The dangers of the unlived life

Mocking the life you were meant to live.

Jung has a famous observation about the pitfalls of not living the life we want.

The world is full of people suffering from the effects of their own unlived life. They become bitter, critical, or rigid, not because the world is cruel to them, but because they have betrayed their own inner possibilities. The artist who never makes art becomes cynical about those who do. The lover who never risks loving mocks romance. The thinker who never commits to a philosophy sneers at belief itself. And yet, all of them suffer, because deep down they know: the life they mock is the life they were meant to live.

–Carl Jung

Jung makes a simple point. Live the life you are meant to live or yours will end in bitterness.

Avoiding the life we want

People often do not live as they really want.

We all do it. We make excuses. We distract. We try to forget or persuade ourselves our dreams are impossible.

We avoid trying altogether.

Even if we have ambitions we care about, we aim for a safe job, a safe path, a safe life. We perhaps imagine we will come back to our passion once we are secure or ready, but most never do.

This is what Jung alluded to. Those who have some notion of an ideal life, a grand ambition, thwarted by their own decisions to avoid the risk and uncertainty.

He reminds us there is no escape from our secret hopes. If we do nothing they will still be there, buried deep, but asserting themselves nonetheless.

Anxiety, fear and uncertainty pale against deep regret. Jung lets us know what the beginnings of this regret will look like. It will look like criticism of others and may degenerate into a bitterness of their success.

We will hate those who have the life we desire.

We become sensitive to certain people, occupations or accomplishments. We notice others doing what we ourselves once wanted and pushed away to attend to the practicalities of life.

Those famous artists, musicians and writers can cause us all sorts of anguish along with the great athletes, entrepreneurs and even politicians or other prominent figures.

The message from Jung is clear, you must try or it will haunt you forever.

Anything but anxiety

Anxiety can dictate our actions. We are afraid to risk it so we do nothing.

We tell ourselves comforting lies. We have a day job, bills to pay, kids to feed. We have responsibilities.

All these are true; the lie is elsewhere.

The thought of trying makes us anxious so we seek comfort in the familiar or the mundane.

We persuade ourselves we must do this, when it is in fact a choice. And the choice is largely driven by avoiding the resistance that comes with any serious changes to our lives.

The thought of change can make us anxious and anxiety is real, but it is a feeling, it cannot harm us directly. Those who try feel this too, but they find a way through. They do it anyway.

Anxiety is normal. We must learn to be at home feeling unsettled if we are to grow.

Let it happen, notice it, then accept it and act anyway.

We should also understand our body is sending us signals and our mind is trying to help us. But it can get things wrong. The protection can prevent direct action and we avoid once again.

Instead, we can train ourselves to see anxiety as a sign. This is where growth it. This is where my focus may need to be even though it feels uncomfortable to think about it.

We can train ourselves to use these uncomfortable feelings as a guide, an early warning system. Where our anxiety is our work is.

Learning to embrace anxiety in this way is a superpower. It reliably guides us because it seems to include signals from the unconscious mind which Jung believed was much bigger than our conscious mind.

That’s where it all ends up, our experiences, our knowledge, our feelings. A great source of wisdom that can steer us if we let it.

Never too late

Many imagine they have left it too late. It can certainly feel convincing to think this.

People in their twenties and thirties think that too.

It is even true in some fields. If you are 35 you are probably too old to become a professional athlete, although you could still become very fit and strong.

There are always variants on the original idea. In fact most plans are fiction so we may find our goals are wrong but we only discover this once we are on the path. It is only there we can amend our ideas and adapt.

Take a step, take action, and new actions present themselves along with modified ideas and goals, correcting our ignorance as we progress.

By acting we change our world, including our perception of what is possible. Doing anything presents new options almost immediately. It may take you in a fresh direction you were not aware existed.

Most are frozen in inaction with big goals or ambitions they care about, unable to take a single step as it grows in their mind to something impossible.

But those who succeed often just got started any way they could and stumbled their way through. Anyone can do this if they lower their sights a little and focus on making any progress they can.

It is never too late so long as you exist.

The famous Chinese aphorism conveys the notion well. The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago, the second best time is today.

Life isn’t perfect. We can even argue that life is a series of minor disasters punctuated with the odd triumph.

Put the past behind you where it belongs. Don’t worry you once avoided. Too much reflection just triggers more anxiety.

Success is built one step at a time. So take the step.

Spot the signs

The unlived life can haunt us. It makes us bitter and critical of others.

Many are unaware why. As Socrates said long before Jung, the unexamined life is not worth living. Perhaps this is what he meant.

Our repressed needs direct our behaviour, they control some of our attention. We can train ourselves to notice when this is happening.

The criticism and mockery of others is a useful early warning system we occasionally glimpse. The bohemian artist, the free spirit, a talented musician on TV. It can be anything or anyone that triggers our ire.

When we learn to pay attention to these irritations we can learn much about ourselves that is worth knowing.

But the ultimate goal is to act on these impulses that cause us so much trouble since all success requires effort. Talent helps, but only action gets results.

The inactive are not successful. And nor are they contented. What haunts them is the unlived life only they know about.

There is a lot of addiction to distraction nowadays. We live in a world built on trivial entertainments designed to hijack our attention. Phones, social media, drugs. How many addicts are running from a good life because it terrifies them?

They used to say depression is anger turned against the self. This is a variation. Self-hatred, bitterness, a loathing of those who went for it. This can eat us alive or it can inform our next move.

Jung reminds us it is ultimately a choice we make. He forces us to acknowledge the unlived life is a terrible fate. Avoid this bitterness by living it instead. Start today. You won’t look back.

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