I had so much still to do

Hesitation in life may cost you everything.

The ruins of your dreams will litter your mind if you ruminate rather than act.

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This piece was inspired by a comment on a previous article left by a subscriber.

It touched on subjects I am currently grappling with, including unfulfilled ambitions, my awareness of letting time slip while I fail to act, and the passage of time itself.

This article is the result of those contemplations. Perhaps you are in a similar place?

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On a recent article of mine a subscriber left a thoughtful comment. He explained how he had witnessed his mother at the end of her life, at age 95.

She was aware the end was near and expressed shock. Where had the time gone? She still had many things to do, and no time left to do them.

Even at 95 it felt like the end came too quick and there was much left to be done.

Here is the quote in full.

My dear mother died at 95. She was extremely intelligent and there were many things she wanted to do but did not do a single one of them, mostly through insecurity I suspect.

The time was never quite right to do this or that, she would always say the circumstances had to be “just so.”

As she was close to the end, I’ll never forget the comment she made:

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

I didn’t question her, but I knew exactly what she meant.

She knew she was near the end, she wasn’t done, she would never do the things she thought she would eventually get to. She didn’t want to go, and now it was too late.

This has been in my mind ever since I heard her say that. I try to apply it to myself as much as possible.

Insecurity and self-doubt meant she didn’t pursue her ideas or dreams. The result was prevarication or hesitation. The ideas remained in her head, not making it into the real world.

Most of us are like this. We have ideas or ambitions, but we fail to act.

A whole life can be filled with an exciting future that never comes while we watch TV, doomscroll online or otherwise distract ourselves from the pain of facing up to the work that must be done.

Much of the slow march towards death is this hesitation. Waiting, procrastinating, not doing.

In our minds we are often working on these things, so it is not blatant avoidance but a kind of elaborate delay mechanism where many excellent reasons are invented to rationalize our inertia. The time is wrong, the economy is bad, I’m not ready.

The road to hell may be paved with good intention, but it is also one of comfort and ease, in particular psychological ease or avoidance of fear and anxiety. Anything to feel better in the moment.

Such insidious habits can become our norm; a satisfying life missed because we cannot tolerate the mild discomfort of nervousness, anxiety or uncertainty created by the unknown.

The alternative is more doing, much more effort, especially in the face of doubt. This can be difficult to accomplish as we talk ourselves out of action so easily.

For many it means changing the habits of a lifetime and not letting feelings of anxiety dictate behaviour. The worry about making a fool of yourself or failing in some new venture. Not feeling one hundred percent ready.

This seems to be particularly difficult for the intelligent, like the commenter’s mother.

Much of this appears obvious when written down in black and white. But it is difficult to enact in real life where we have many competing priorities for our attention.

Learning to prioritize

In the professional world prioritization is a big deal. People are trained how to prioritize using different methods as it does not come naturally to most.

We get distracted. We misjudge what is important.

We change over time, but don’t upgrade our behaviours to match, stuck in old habits.

We let fear decide, and the priority becomes feeling good or banishing anxiety, not what may be our next best move.

The ability to prioritize well is rare, it is a cultivated skill, something we learn.

Prioritization is not just identifying what you want. The real power is removing what you don’t. This is what most miss. Really able focusers are cutting out the bad, not just doing the good.

This takes courage as well as clarity.

Distractions like binge-watching TV or getting lost in social media are obvious targets. But pruning can include a job or career that no longer works for you or an industry that is perhaps dying. Relationships, location, circumstances. All can be pruned to provide a less cluttered life.

Few have this drive. It can be hard to summon as all our doubts surface.

At some level it feels right, clearing the way for something better. Yet it can feel indulgent, a frivolous way to live; are you really going to leave your secure job to pursue some dream?

It is an old joke that no one lies on their deathbed and wishes they’d spent more time at the office. We accept we need jobs and work to survive.

But why do so few of us pursue work we like or find meaningful? When a job or career loses some of its former glory, or we have just outgrown it, why do we often linger for years knowing it is making us unhappy?

Why are we so adept at convincing ourselves we have no choice? This is the effect of an avoidant strategy. We overlook the fact our time alive is finite.

Time runs out

The commenter’s quote is really about the end. The unwelcome clarity it brings. Knowing you didn’t try and no longer being able to hide from that fact.

Knowing that back then, decades before, you had all those decades ahead of you, yet squandered them. What was I thinking? Why did I do nothing to work towards the thing I wanted? The horror of this is not hard to imagine.

Use the deathbed lens as filter. What do you think will matter at the end? What will you regret not doing? That’s your top priority no matter how daunting.

What is going to really floor you at that stage, at the very end?

That is how to prioritize. Being like the 95 year old horribly aware time really has passed you by and feeling absolutely cheated out of the life you wanted.

Any current discomfort you feel at the idea of making changes must be understood in light of how that will feel at the end if you don’t try.

Time ultimately runs out. There is no escaping this. It ends. But it can end more on your terms if you are prepared to act.

A messy life is a good life

The most contented, those we envy, don’t make these mistakes. They get on with it, they do things. They act on the world.

As a consequence their lives are messier, more hectic, probably less ordered. They do it and risk failure, but they do it.

We all know someone that is impulsive or hopeless at planning. Someone known for jumping right in.

They don’t get to 95 with a list of unfulfilled ambitions. They are the model, not the overly thoughtful and hesitant.

When young we tend to regret the things we do, but as we age we tend to regret the things we didn’t do. It is the life not lived that haunts us, not that questionable tattoo on our hip or the bad investments we made ten years ago.

Almost everything we try is survivable. Bad career moves, asking out the wrong person, unwise fashion choices.

Some live in mortal fear of being laid off from work. Yet many of us find such a calamity quite survivable. For some it is the push they need to change direction towards a better life that suits them. The thing they feared kicks them out of complacency. They realize it is not so bad after all. What else in my life isn’t so bad?

But to never know, to worry more about looking foolish in the eyes of others than to be curious about what is out there, that is a life unlived. It is a waste.

This is probably the hardest lesson to learn. It is the reckless nonplanners who get the best life.

They have no complicated agenda, and some of us scoff at their ineptness, all the mistakes they make. The carnage they leave behind them.

All this while the more enlightened plan well. They scheme meticulously for events they never enact.

Who do you want to be at the end? No one will read your unexecuted plans and admire you. It is visible accomplishments or nothing.

Most plans don’t work, they are fiction. Many are crutches to make us feel we are doing something when in fact we are just thinking.

The 95 year old woman above probably had plans, perhaps even multiple plans. But they did not come to fruition, hence her difficult end.

Learn the lesson. Life is fleeting. You are either doing, or you are not doing.

Planning isn’t doing, and nor is thinking. Only doing is doing.

So get to it. Get busy building your unique, messy, chaotic life before it runs out and you are left standing there wondering where all the time went.

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Something to consider

Is it possible to make yourself into that person? To become fearless, to dampen the voice that holds you back?

I am currently grappling with this myself. Can I become more like this?

I have a series of inhibitions I wish to overcome. Things that hold me back and make me hesitate. I’m actively working on these, but it is not easy.

Are you the same? If so, share your views in the comments with others. I suspect this frozen, hesitant life is more common than we realize.