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A great piece and a welcome break from the political. Yes, I believe it is possible to make yourself into that person; that is, after all, what you're doing here, is it not? To me, there really are few greater and more fulfilling careers than writing about what you are interested in on Substack. In an age where we decry so much, it truly is an oasis in a volatile desert storm.

This post hits home because that is exactly why I started writing here. I've already achieved one of my first dreams -- writing fantasy professionally for a game company -- yet there is so much more I must do with my time on Earth. I started writing here because I knew if I hadn't, I would regret it forever. "What if I could make it?" I'd ask myself. Follow that voice and you will not be disappointed, trust me. That voice makes dreams come true, even if some shots you take end up failing miserably.

So, even with both my writing job and teaching English on the side (salaries are atrocious in Hungary and I have a family to support), I took up the sword and went to work here. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I hadn't.

I suspect that I shall not be successful -- we all doubt ourselves, right? -- but trying and failing feels much, much better than not trying at all.

So if you're that person, dear reader, give it a try. Ask that girl out, apply for that job, start your Substack; start working toward what you *want* to do, what you're interested in. Cause if you don't, there might come a day when you ask: "What if I had just tried?"

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Fantastic comment, James. Pinned so everyone can read it.

Good for you for following your dream. And well done getting the writing gig.

And you are correct. Try. You may fail, but we can accommodate failure. But to not try, to not know, that is a much deeper failure in my view.

I hope you do succeed. You are certainly well on your way. And I suspect if you make it to 95 you will have fewer regrets than most.

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Thanks, Spiff, I appreciate you. I've followed my dreams for a long while now, but there is another side to this coin, too. I did not think to write a response when you originally commented, but after rereading this essay (thank you for writing it, truly, it gives me solace that I may have made the right decisions in my life), I think I should. I do this for two reasons: the first is my surprise that you pinned my comment, and the second is your own comment italicized at the end of the article:

"I have a series of inhibitions I wish to overcome. Things that hold me back and make me hesitate. I’m actively working on these, but it is not easy."

While I doubt you wish to elaborate upon these, when combined with your essay they make me wonder if we are quite opposite kinds of people; that I might be able to offer the flipside to not having regrets because you did not *do* things. It is possible also to do *too much* -- every choice one makes in life closes off other choices. For every person who regrets not taking "their shot at their dream", there are also others who sustain lives of misery because they cannot *let go* of their dreams. Even on this platform, I see these types. Some are talented and front as "revolutionaries" or "intellectuals", but I suspect in their real lives many are clinging to a dream that they will never achieve. I do not wish to name names. Doing so would be callous.

Perhaps it's just the hedonistic society we live in now -- the ceaseless pursuit of more, more, more! -- but I do sometimes wonder if my choices have led me down another path which I shall regret. Impulsive decisions are reckless, and they can cause a different kind of regret.

I abandoned the home of my youth, New Zealand, to come and live in Hungary. I did this for many reasons I shall not bore you with. It was, however, mostly an impulsive decision. I thought on it for a long while, yet I was a different person at the time: a person who did not care for politics, nor culture; a person who made a living playing poker online for money. That dream, while it lasted for seven tumultuous years, did not give me what I wanted (financial success and therefore true *freedom*).

I did not walk away from it broke, though it would be many years later that I found the dream writing job I described. Moreover, that writing job -- while certainly an achievement to attain -- pays only 75% of the minimum wage in New Zealand. Because I have to support my family, I must also work as an English teacher on a nearly full-time basis for that to be possible. And I would like to have at least one more child.

So what am I actually saying? I'm saying that I wonder what would have been if I'd stayed working the corporate job I had back in NZ; I'm ruminating on the true gravity of my decisions, which ultimately could have led to a life of struggle that I would've never had to endure had I stayed in NZ and towed the corporate line. I like to tell myself that I don't care about the money, yet occasionally I am not so sure. Working in the corporate world can destroy a creative's soul, or that's what I've always told myself as justification.

In short, even if we do try, how can we know it was the right thing to do? We like to put meaning beside the concept of taking a shot at what we love (in this case, writing), but could this not just be false consciousness?

Many live simple lives and do simple jobs (mostly that they do not like), yet they are still content. Perhaps the most important lesson to take from all of this is that it is your *outlook* on life that matters most.

I pray that this finds you and finds you well. I hope that it soothes the pain of not yet overcoming some of the inhibitions you wish to. I'm also looking forward to the next of these ponderous essays -- they enrich my own desire to cultivate and write about divergent and exciting ideas.

In short: *cheers mate*. :)

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Thanks for this thoughtful answer. I think the corporate job is easy to reject. It rarely leads to any kind of satisfaction. Too ruthless, too mindless.

I got round that by being a self employed contractor. Still making money in the corporate world, but working for myself. That helped.

I would argue there is no good way. Figure out a way to make money and survive and also be happy. Expect a struggle. I think the real danger is imagining making it. Getting to the end, like a race. I think it is that aspect people get wrong. I think it is probably more realistic to find someway to make a living but also do thing that satisfy. If you can combine them, then all the better.

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I've been reading the book Essentialism to try to cut out things that are not essential from my life. It's also available online as an audiobook. And I've been watching de-cluttering videos and throwing things away and donating things to a local food shelf/thrift store. Just working on de-cluttering physical items that don't serve you can help you to see things in your life that aren't serving you well either. This is why Jordan Peterson says to "Clean your room." All of the mess keeps people anxious, and when you de-clutter you feel less anxious. So I would assume that if you declutter your personal life you'd get less anxious as a result, even though that anxiety may be what people are fearing and why they never take that step to better their lives.

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I think an aspect of the decluttering is confronting it. It is the avoidance that tends to feed the anxiety, even if it is just an overstuffed wardrobe. Putting it off. Not facing up to it.

I think physical decluttering can be a great start for those with psychological baggage. That is harder to declutter. But a squeaky clean kitchen is a good foundation 😃

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Jul 31Liked by Spaceman Spiff

Beautiful and thought provoking piece. Not generally the planning type myself, I've plunged into many adventures and the road less traveled, but I'm never quite ready for social entanglements and time is marching on. My mother told me her regret in old age was that she hadn't danced more. Maybe it's time to give that a whirl. Thank you for the inspiration!

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I'm an overplanner. That's my vice I work on.

And yes to dancing. Movement of any sort in fact. I recently quit smoking and haven't stopped moving since. It feels like a superpower. I also know some with poor mobility who cannot easily move. So keep yourself in shape with dancing.

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Jul 31Liked by Spaceman Spiff

My granny told me that she wished she'd had more sex! Bless her.

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author

Lol. I like her honesty.

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"The 95 year old woman above probably had plans, perhaps even multiple plans. But they did not come to fruition, hence her difficult end.

Learn the lesson. Life is fleeting. You are either doing, or you are not doing.

Planning isn’t doing, and nor is thinking. Only doing is doing."

This had to be my biggest takeaway. As a chronic over-thinker (and not in the humble-brag "I'm just to smart" way, I mean in terms of getting in a doom-spiral of psyching myself out from doing something), I am learning how to break away from the need to feel like I have charted the whole course before I set out to do something.

Excellent article.

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I am the same. That is the source of these articles. I am hassling myself, lol.

If you have a high enough IQ I think you need to treat action as a learned skill. Learn to act; minimal planning, just enough to get going, and rely on your intelligence to course correct as you go.

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Absolutely, your brain is a course-correcting, problem-solving machine. If you seriously set out to do something with intention, I think you would be amazed by what is actually achievable.

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Totally agree. We are our own worst enemies. Self-sabotage stops us more than the universe.

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Regret feels bad. But it's inevitable. Better to make peace with regret than be mesmerized by it. Life isn't a competition because death always wins and, in time, everything one does decays and will be forgotten. What can endure is blood. The death of an individual is sad. The extinction of an entire bloodline is a true loss.

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Jul 31Liked by Spaceman Spiff

One way to think of things is like this:

There are things that you want to do.

There are things you are able to do.

There are things you have to do.

(All three can of course be nuanced, both on their own and relative each other, all the way to their own inversion.)

You /have to/ sleep, for example. When you are tired, you /want to/ sleep, and circumstances dictate if and how you are /able to/ sleep:

When driving, even if you want to and are technically speaking able to, you have to /not/ do it.

Sometimes, one takes total precedence over the others; other times, they are balanced in som way. Also, how you do the something matters, as does the cost of it.

I've found during life, that vivisecting my wants and needs and musts this way is a great aid when deciding upon the whats, hows and whys; especially as we often are conditioned to confuse "want", "need" and "must": you may feel and express that you "need" the latest insert-FOMO-product-here, but that's not necessarily a real "need", but a "want" you have been conditioned to perceive and experience as a "must".

Awareness of this helps a lot, I think.

Alternatively, it is I who is less able than average to perform the above processes subconsciously, and that's why I have to do it consciously. Without an objective metric or measuring-rod, I can't know, but that's not really important to the process anyway: I "want" to know, but I don't "need" to know.

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I think the trick is to imagine the very end and decide what is likely to haunt you if it remains undone. Then do that. Marry the girl, have kids, make a movie, start a business, cross Asia with only five items of clothing, lol. Whatever that is for you, do it.

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Jul 31Liked by Spaceman Spiff

I think fear of failure is what holds a lot of people back, they see failure as a harsh critic and and not as a wise teacher to enable you to face more challenges. For a couple of years after my husband died I badly wanted to go hiking and camping but the thought of doing it alone froze me, I'd got all the gear but just dare not take that first step.

Until one day at the start of a fortnights holiday from work I found myself packing my big rucksack and got myself out there and started hiking my way towards Scotland. Had a brilliant time, met some wonderful people on the way, faced some hardships but hey that's part and parcel. My biggest regret after retiring I had to have major surgery and it made my future hiking impossible and I had badly wanted to do the full Appalachian Trail but hadn't worked up the courage to make the journey to the USA on my own. I'd decided to do it just before my health problem hit.

So instead I found a really good authors who had done the hike, who made the experience come alive, the ups and the downs etc; and I've hiked the Appalachian Trail now more than once and I'm content with that.

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I do think fear of failure is a big factor. But we have to find some way to face up to it as you did.

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My wife told me about a woman she worked with for years. This woman and her husband I think were childless, and had decided exactly how they were going to spend their long and early retirement by travelling hither and tither etc. But they would need to work very hard and save for this, and deny themselves holidays and other comforts beyond the minimum in the here and now. This would make their rewards all the sweeter, I guess was the thinking. Anyway, a matter of months away from retiring, her husband had a serious health event and passed away. From that point, the woman became consumed with bitterness at the cruelty of fate, and never changed for the rest of the time my wife knew her. Your piece for some reason made me think of that. I guess it is pertinent in a way. And Roger Waters again: "....the time is gone, the song is over. Thought I'd something more to say".

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Life is happening now. Definitely an article in that.

I think ranging ahead is great to help assess now. But we should not live in the future.

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Jul 31Liked by Spaceman Spiff

After reading your article "I wasted time", I immidiately started to learn French, as I have relatives in France which I cannot communate with due to the language barrier. Thanks for the kick in the b...

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That is great to hear. Tres bien!

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This is the core essence of the study of magic in the Western tradition, how to use imagination and activate the will to create the life you want. Many people can imagine what they want, but few summon the will to do what needs to be done.

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Very true. Only action counts.

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Jul 31Liked by Spaceman Spiff

For many it comes down to finances. There's so much I want to do but can't because I simply can't afford it. Lack of money seriously limits choices. Earning it isn't always possible. However, I'm a great believer in making the absolute best of what you've got, whatever that may be. It's far less frustrating than having burning desires that can never be fulfilled no matter how much you want them. I'm happier now than I've been at any time in my life.

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I do agree money is a factor. But the really deep resistance is often fear, not finances. Faulty belief systems, low confidence, procrastination. All those have very good reasons to exist but we do need to try to overcome them so we can avoid a life we regret.

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I'm definitely on board for living a life I don't regret which is why I make the most of what I've got. Currently building an off-grid home on the tiniest budget but that's what makes my heart sing. Deep resistance - I agree and will keep that in mind and push my boundaries further.

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Sounds amazing. Good for you.

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Aug 2Liked by Spaceman Spiff

Nice attitude but there is a decent counter argument: regretting you life for a little while at 95 is not actually a very long period of discomfort compared the the 94 years of comfort that preceded it. We don't spend that long on our deathbeds

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That is the point. The comfort is false. It is a poor substitute for acting on the things that matter to you. Not letting fear dictate.

Your comment supposes the avoidance feels good, but it rarely does. The avoidant are haunted by their failure to act. The horror at the end is just the culmination of years of angst in most cases.

What the more reckless teach us is acting and failing is superior to withdrawing and thinking, waiting until ready. Too much waiting and life runs out. Get stuck in is really the goal here.

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Aug 2Liked by Spaceman Spiff

I don't mean to be avoidant. I certainly agree in living life to the fullest. I suppose I mean too many people seem anxious about how they'll feel on their deathbed or who shows up at their funeral. I wouldn't mortgage my whole life out of fear how I feel for a brief period when I'm knackered anyway

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It is a lens, that's all. A filter to occasionally use to reassess choices. It definitely helps me cut out the noise.

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Aug 1·edited Aug 1Liked by Spaceman Spiff

I hate to come across as a shill for the Monroe Institute, it has been my experience that after listening to the Hemi-Sync "Mind Food" CD Into the Light: Embracing Source (a near-death experience meditation), I am prepared to meet Mr. Death and, in fact, look forward to it. We will all experience a change in energy and it will be fun; but we must squeeze all the fun out of our lives as meat.

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its the “busy” part that bothers me. now, i’m not opposed to hard work. i can lie down right next to it and take a nap. that plenty busy enough for me.

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I am new to your Substack, so I do not know if you are a religious man, but I greatly liked “Living Life Backward: How Ecclesiastes Teaches Us to Live in Light of the End” (https://a.co/d/fnZJzUD). It speaks to considering the end of what you wish to accomplish and the person you wish to be known as and then working your way backward.

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That looks very interesting. I will add it to my list.

I think death, and the deathbed lens, is a good way to frame life. What will really matter at the bitter end? Politics, TV shows, social media drama? Obviously not. But family, perhaps one or two important accomplishments. That is about it. It is therefore those things we should attend to.

I do this regularly. I try to frame my current life in light of what will matter at the end. It definitely helps I think.

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Yes, that approach is wise. That said, I think some aspects of life seem superficial but are actually important for other more significant tasks with the end in mind. For instance, I personally do not care much about my status in the eyes of others. But I have learned that other people are hyper focused on my status (particularly the well-connected or deep-pocketed). If I can increase my status in strategic ways, then they will more likely follow my suggestions or buy into whatever venture I am attempting. Thus something that seems petty is still significant with the end in mind. I remember how one person showed utter indifference to me for many years, but when I bought my wife a new luxury car and they saw it, suddenly they wanted to hear all about what I was doing and "catch up." Now that person has helped me in various ways that unlocked new opportunities if I had not bought such a seemingly foolish thing as a luxury car.

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I agree. I think we do need to be strategic. I was really referring to the big ambitions it is easy to overlook as they are not immediately relevant.

We do need to eat. So holding down a job may not feature at the end but is often a necessity.

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I'm wondering, do you support Southend United F.C. by any chance? There's somebody with your profile pic and name posting on Shrimperzone and Football Forums dot net.

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