Imagine getting the current batch of infantilized ‘adults’ interested in dressing well, showing courtly grace and manners, and learning to actually dance and not just spasmodically gyrate…
Thanks. I needed this. I quit my corporate job and launched my own business after dealing with health issues and deciding to do something that mattered more to me. (Shameless plug: https://www.adaptivejourney.coach) Fear of failure is real, but I think living a lie is worse. It really is the journey, not the destination. I've noticed that the people who pushed back the most about my shift seem to be the ones most afraid to change themselves. There's a lot of people tied up in keeping up with the Jones', working long hours in jobs they hate to pay off large houses they never spend any time in. My husband is also self employed, so life is an adventure. The lack of security is worth the freedom to define life on your own terms, and on bad days like today, sometimes the right message finds it's way to you to remind you of that. :)
It is. It turns you mind (or soul if you prefer) into a hamster-wheel of rationalisations where you must run faster and faster so that your self-insight and conscience doesn't catch up to you.
And all that frustration and anger and shame and so on needs an outlet. Someone to hate. someone to blame.
Great article, and well done Jen. I have absolute respect for anyone that starts their own business, regardless of what it is or whether it works or not coz I've tried many times over the years and it's really hard.
I'm currently in the corporate world as a software contractor (earning good money) so I'm isolated from much of the bull$hit like DEI and such but I'm trying (again) to go out on my own too as it's sucking the life out of me.
Anyway, that being said, the way people are raised is likely the biggest reason for leading safe lives these days. In my case, my parents were of the opinion that when I grow up I should look to getting a safe job like a Doctor, or work for my local government to get a good pension etc. When talking about rich people or entrepreneurs, they'd say things like "they're not like us" and such. It was pure jealousy I reckon!
That had an effect on me for decades: it's only been the last 10 years or so that I've broken away from that closed mindset. I wager that many won't and they'll continue the cycle of psychological safety by indoctrinating their kids with the same virus.
I actively encourage my teenage son to take chances, to not fear failure, to not quit (especially that he plays ice hockey!) to just try stuff! It has an effect. As an example, him and his friends play at "the cage" about 0.5 miles from our house (a small basketball/football concrete area with a 20ft steel cage round it). He usually rides his bike there (no helmet either :D). One of his friends that lives about 400 yds away from us gets a lift home from his parents when it's dark. The journey is well-lit, through a residential area with street lights. He'd also be walking home with my son if he was on foot too.
There is no risk but his helicopter parents want him to be safe. The journey, as the crow flies is likely less than 800 yds.
He's screwed in later life imo.
I can't imagine what he'll be like in his 80s (if he makes it...)
Anyway, I wanted to say that as parents, we need to break that cycle so our kids don't end up doing the same to their kids.
"Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had it to do over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I’d try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day."
On the one hand her message about just living and immersing yourself in life, as you point out, is good and leads to a fuller, richer life.
On the other hand, her quote above is basically a whole-hog endorsement of everything wrong in the postmodern West. Her descendants went on to live out this sentiment and lost everything of value in life, and the means to continue a good pattern of human life. Sensibility isn't sexy but is needed, whereas legalism and blind followership is more the issue.
I'm not sure Nadine and her ilk can be blamed. I see the point you make. But I think hers was a caution against living inside our heads and it is arguably this we suffer from.
I agree with your assessment, but it is easily taken in the direction of just living for the moment, a sentiment she voiced pretty strongly in that quote. Balance is key but elusive.
It seems to me a part of being "old" is thinking about how you might have done things differently. At age 69, it is certainly true for me.
I listened to no one, never did what I was "supposed" to do. I could not have done anything else.
I lost an older friend last year. She was the personification of living for the day. She died at age 87 in a nursing home, blind, toothless, incontinent and unable to walk. At the end, she was even unable to answer the phone when I called.
I don't think they drugged her into compliance too much. She was an easygoing person. It was obvious to me even from afar that the care and attention she received from the staff was spotty. Yet she bore them no ill will, never complained to me about her situation. She did have family who visited her, not slavishly, but enough.
She said to me over and over, more in surprise than grievously, "I didn't know it was going to be like this". She was mostly referring to the one thing that caused her some distress, the blindness, which I suspect was caused by not following the regimen of drops for glaucoma.
My contemporaries -- my ex and his extended family, my sibling -- were the corporate types who followed the rules. Their lives are secure. They have no fear of how they will take care of themselves as they age.
I see the "successful" people of this generation online and on television. "I should have done that," I think. "I could have been that."
The "comfortable" people I know spend their time and money to distract themselves from despondency. They were forced out of their work early, before they were ready to go. Although the verdict is out as to our relative state of wellbeing, ten years later, I'm still contentedly toiling on at my one-person business. I thought it would last forever, but it is vanishing at a fair pace in this economy.
At this age is when the bills come due. Romantic ideas don't pay them. I feel pretty sure we all think that we should have done things differently. The truth is that that was never a possibility.
I was actually agreeing with the premise of the letter, with the caveat that we all are limited in our choices by our own nature.
My carefree friend's ability to roll with the punches served her well until the end.
I think it's mostly human nature to second guess ourselves and our choices. Double that after age 60. When I snap out of my "what if" reveries, I realize I still have ten years, a year, a day remaining and remember to look to today. Not yesterday OR tomorrow.
I'm more content and happier than almost everyone I know and/or meet that is my age. It's just that I don't want to be too smug because things change and I could still crash and burn.
Also, everyone I know or meet of any age is fearful in this economy.
"I'm more content and happier than almost everyone I know" - Me too!
I'm about to hit 50 next week. Every so often someone will ask something along the lines of "how do you feel, about to hit 50 and all that" and my reply is the same - I don't care.
I'm fit, healthy, I earn good money, my wife and son are fit and healthy, financially I'm ok (for now)... I'm happy and (somewhat) content. I plan to get my side-business off the ground soon, run it for a couple of years, sell it and retire.
As I age, my priorities have shifted a lot over the years: I have a 10 year old car and I don't care if it gets scratched in a car park, I've been paying every spare penny into my mortgage and it will be gone within 12 months, I am puting away enough money to survive in retirement.
My priorities are making sure my son is ok, getting out of the 9-5 and enjoying myself more.
I have friends who look like they're doing well. One of whom is a director at a bank (well, he's called director but he's a senior manager in reality) and he earns 6-figures at least. He has an expensive mortgage, two relatively new cars (both are leased at around £600pm each I reckon), has expensive hobbies (diving, cycling), has all the latest toys and whatnot and I would bet everything I own that he's not happy.
He works from about 6am to 6pm each day so only has minimal time to do non-work stuff.
This is the very epitome of miserable I reckon.
Anyway, I want to look back on life at the many, many things I managed to squeeze in, the daft $hit, the dangerous stuff, the happy stuff and the sad stuff.
I think Richard Branson said it best (I'm about to butcher his quote!): I'd rather look back and say "I can't believe I did that" rather than "I wish I'd done that".
“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow what a ride!”
Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967
But don't take pictures. Don't just leave the phone in your pocket, leave it at home.
We have veered into an age where people create moments to photograph to share to gain social status. If you didn't take a picture, it didn't happen. People are constantly photographing themselves having moments. My advice to young people is: take your kid somewhere, and just be in the moment with them and without your phone. Your phone should not be how your family life is made complete.
Don't "waste a whole life packing [the smartphone] for [the amazing photo opportunities] that never come." Let more of your life be shared only through stories you tell.
But don't take pictures. Don't just leave the phone in your pocket, leave it at home.
We have veered into an age where people create moments to photograph to share to gain social status. If you didn't take a picture, it didn't happen. People are constantly photographing themselves having moments. My advice to young people is: take your kid somewhere, and just be in the moment with them and without your phone. Your phone should not be how your family life is made complete.
Don't "waste a whole life packing [the smartphone] for the [amazing photo opportunities] that never come." Let more of your life be shared only through stories you tell.
Colleague of mine, who was long in the teeth when I was newb, said this about hurrying and scurrying and being stressed:
"Are you bleeding? Anyone else bleeding? Is there a fire? No? Then there's no rush."
The older I get, the sounder her words ring.
Indeed. Artificial importance and busyness. A modern disease.
If they still had dances as your image conveys, I might just go.
Maybe you should start one. I am sure they would be popular.
Imagine getting the current batch of infantilized ‘adults’ interested in dressing well, showing courtly grace and manners, and learning to actually dance and not just spasmodically gyrate…
That’s a tall, tall order.
That is true. I am sure some would be interested.
Thanks. I needed this. I quit my corporate job and launched my own business after dealing with health issues and deciding to do something that mattered more to me. (Shameless plug: https://www.adaptivejourney.coach) Fear of failure is real, but I think living a lie is worse. It really is the journey, not the destination. I've noticed that the people who pushed back the most about my shift seem to be the ones most afraid to change themselves. There's a lot of people tied up in keeping up with the Jones', working long hours in jobs they hate to pay off large houses they never spend any time in. My husband is also self employed, so life is an adventure. The lack of security is worth the freedom to define life on your own terms, and on bad days like today, sometimes the right message finds it's way to you to remind you of that. :)
I agree. You get one life. I too know people throwing it away to own things they don't really value.
Good on you for doing your own thing. Life is fleeting. Live it as best you can and don't look back.
"...living a lie is worse."
It is. It turns you mind (or soul if you prefer) into a hamster-wheel of rationalisations where you must run faster and faster so that your self-insight and conscience doesn't catch up to you.
And all that frustration and anger and shame and so on needs an outlet. Someone to hate. someone to blame.
Great article, and well done Jen. I have absolute respect for anyone that starts their own business, regardless of what it is or whether it works or not coz I've tried many times over the years and it's really hard.
I'm currently in the corporate world as a software contractor (earning good money) so I'm isolated from much of the bull$hit like DEI and such but I'm trying (again) to go out on my own too as it's sucking the life out of me.
Anyway, that being said, the way people are raised is likely the biggest reason for leading safe lives these days. In my case, my parents were of the opinion that when I grow up I should look to getting a safe job like a Doctor, or work for my local government to get a good pension etc. When talking about rich people or entrepreneurs, they'd say things like "they're not like us" and such. It was pure jealousy I reckon!
That had an effect on me for decades: it's only been the last 10 years or so that I've broken away from that closed mindset. I wager that many won't and they'll continue the cycle of psychological safety by indoctrinating their kids with the same virus.
I actively encourage my teenage son to take chances, to not fear failure, to not quit (especially that he plays ice hockey!) to just try stuff! It has an effect. As an example, him and his friends play at "the cage" about 0.5 miles from our house (a small basketball/football concrete area with a 20ft steel cage round it). He usually rides his bike there (no helmet either :D). One of his friends that lives about 400 yds away from us gets a lift home from his parents when it's dark. The journey is well-lit, through a residential area with street lights. He'd also be walking home with my son if he was on foot too.
There is no risk but his helicopter parents want him to be safe. The journey, as the crow flies is likely less than 800 yds.
He's screwed in later life imo.
I can't imagine what he'll be like in his 80s (if he makes it...)
Anyway, I wanted to say that as parents, we need to break that cycle so our kids don't end up doing the same to their kids.
"Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had it to do over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I’d try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day."
On the one hand her message about just living and immersing yourself in life, as you point out, is good and leads to a fuller, richer life.
On the other hand, her quote above is basically a whole-hog endorsement of everything wrong in the postmodern West. Her descendants went on to live out this sentiment and lost everything of value in life, and the means to continue a good pattern of human life. Sensibility isn't sexy but is needed, whereas legalism and blind followership is more the issue.
I'm not sure Nadine and her ilk can be blamed. I see the point you make. But I think hers was a caution against living inside our heads and it is arguably this we suffer from.
I agree with your assessment, but it is easily taken in the direction of just living for the moment, a sentiment she voiced pretty strongly in that quote. Balance is key but elusive.
Yes, of course. The other extreme is hedonism, giving no thought for tomorrow. That is worse.
It seems to me a part of being "old" is thinking about how you might have done things differently. At age 69, it is certainly true for me.
I listened to no one, never did what I was "supposed" to do. I could not have done anything else.
I lost an older friend last year. She was the personification of living for the day. She died at age 87 in a nursing home, blind, toothless, incontinent and unable to walk. At the end, she was even unable to answer the phone when I called.
I don't think they drugged her into compliance too much. She was an easygoing person. It was obvious to me even from afar that the care and attention she received from the staff was spotty. Yet she bore them no ill will, never complained to me about her situation. She did have family who visited her, not slavishly, but enough.
She said to me over and over, more in surprise than grievously, "I didn't know it was going to be like this". She was mostly referring to the one thing that caused her some distress, the blindness, which I suspect was caused by not following the regimen of drops for glaucoma.
My contemporaries -- my ex and his extended family, my sibling -- were the corporate types who followed the rules. Their lives are secure. They have no fear of how they will take care of themselves as they age.
I see the "successful" people of this generation online and on television. "I should have done that," I think. "I could have been that."
The "comfortable" people I know spend their time and money to distract themselves from despondency. They were forced out of their work early, before they were ready to go. Although the verdict is out as to our relative state of wellbeing, ten years later, I'm still contentedly toiling on at my one-person business. I thought it would last forever, but it is vanishing at a fair pace in this economy.
At this age is when the bills come due. Romantic ideas don't pay them. I feel pretty sure we all think that we should have done things differently. The truth is that that was never a possibility.
I concede your point. We have limited options. And perhaps that is the reality for most. But I still think we sabotage ourselves.
I hope your business does make it. And you with it.
I was actually agreeing with the premise of the letter, with the caveat that we all are limited in our choices by our own nature.
My carefree friend's ability to roll with the punches served her well until the end.
I think it's mostly human nature to second guess ourselves and our choices. Double that after age 60. When I snap out of my "what if" reveries, I realize I still have ten years, a year, a day remaining and remember to look to today. Not yesterday OR tomorrow.
I'm more content and happier than almost everyone I know and/or meet that is my age. It's just that I don't want to be too smug because things change and I could still crash and burn.
Also, everyone I know or meet of any age is fearful in this economy.
"I'm more content and happier than almost everyone I know" - Me too!
I'm about to hit 50 next week. Every so often someone will ask something along the lines of "how do you feel, about to hit 50 and all that" and my reply is the same - I don't care.
I'm fit, healthy, I earn good money, my wife and son are fit and healthy, financially I'm ok (for now)... I'm happy and (somewhat) content. I plan to get my side-business off the ground soon, run it for a couple of years, sell it and retire.
As I age, my priorities have shifted a lot over the years: I have a 10 year old car and I don't care if it gets scratched in a car park, I've been paying every spare penny into my mortgage and it will be gone within 12 months, I am puting away enough money to survive in retirement.
My priorities are making sure my son is ok, getting out of the 9-5 and enjoying myself more.
I have friends who look like they're doing well. One of whom is a director at a bank (well, he's called director but he's a senior manager in reality) and he earns 6-figures at least. He has an expensive mortgage, two relatively new cars (both are leased at around £600pm each I reckon), has expensive hobbies (diving, cycling), has all the latest toys and whatnot and I would bet everything I own that he's not happy.
He works from about 6am to 6pm each day so only has minimal time to do non-work stuff.
This is the very epitome of miserable I reckon.
Anyway, I want to look back on life at the many, many things I managed to squeeze in, the daft $hit, the dangerous stuff, the happy stuff and the sad stuff.
I think Richard Branson said it best (I'm about to butcher his quote!): I'd rather look back and say "I can't believe I did that" rather than "I wish I'd done that".
“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow what a ride!”
Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967
Yep, couldn't agree more. Go for it. Do it all. That's my motto.
"Create more moments if you can."
But don't take pictures. Don't just leave the phone in your pocket, leave it at home.
We have veered into an age where people create moments to photograph to share to gain social status. If you didn't take a picture, it didn't happen. People are constantly photographing themselves having moments. My advice to young people is: take your kid somewhere, and just be in the moment with them and without your phone. Your phone should not be how your family life is made complete.
Don't "waste a whole life packing [the smartphone] for [the amazing photo opportunities] that never come." Let more of your life be shared only through stories you tell.
Sage advice.
At 87, I can attest to regretting the things you did not do, much more than the things you did.
Indeed. Most say this. It is the life not lived that haunts us.
Life really is too short.
Indeed it can be.
https://abysspostcard.substack.com/p/i-had-so-much-still-to-do
No des vueltas al pasado, pues no lo puedes cambiar.
Que no te agobie el futuro: no sabes si llegará.
Disfruta y VIVE el presente, no lo dejes escapar,
Porque una vez que se vaya ya nunca más volverá.
"Create more moments if you can."
But don't take pictures. Don't just leave the phone in your pocket, leave it at home.
We have veered into an age where people create moments to photograph to share to gain social status. If you didn't take a picture, it didn't happen. People are constantly photographing themselves having moments. My advice to young people is: take your kid somewhere, and just be in the moment with them and without your phone. Your phone should not be how your family life is made complete.
Don't "waste a whole life packing [the smartphone] for the [amazing photo opportunities] that never come." Let more of your life be shared only through stories you tell.
There was a similar version to this letter making the rounds about 30 years ago. It ended with “I would wear more purple”.
Well it is the colour of kings so why not?